39 Reasons

You Know You´re Living in Peru (or better yet, Tumbes) When...

1. You know the lower back pain of imminent diarrhea all too well. You need to get to a bathroom and fast.
2. You are surprised when a car you’re riding in actually has a functioning odometer, speedometer, or gas gauge. Normally everything just reads zero.
3. You walk into your shower with a stick- ready to herd out any little toads that like to sleep in the only cool and wet place around.
4. You are accustomed to go without electricity and or cell service most days- people like to rob the electrical cables to your town to sell on the black market.
5. Your legs are speckled with white scars of bug bites past.
6. You leave the spiders in your room untouched- they eat other bugs. You only kill the ones that cause skin necrosis and possible death when they bite.
7. The first three statements made in any conversation are : Ay que calor ( OMG why is it this hot), ay hay bastante sol (there’s way too much sun), has tenido dengue (have you had dengue yet)?
8. You wake up at 5:45 to techno music coming from the loudspeakers.
9. You’re offered beer while running.
10. Pepto is a girl’s best friend.
11. You’ve forgotten what it feel’s like to be cold or let alone, to have dry skin.
12. You give a girl a stuffed animal for her birthday- no matter her age. The bigger, the better.
13. You dread being offered a cool drink at a guest’s house- chances are, it’s not boiled water and chances are, you will be sick afterwards.
14. You carry rocks and sticks ready to hurl at less than friendly dogs.
15. Your water comes out of the faucet brown and well, that’s normal.
16. Why aren’t you married? Better yet, why don’t you have any kids?
17. People will tell you that they may have found “pockets” of cistercircosis in the pig they killed and are now serving you on a plate, but don’t worry- they took out the pockets of worms and you should be good to go. Don’t eat the pork, I repeat, do not eat the pork.
18. Your enamel has worn off on your teeth because you eat so much ceviche.
19. Butt sweat.
20. You’re friend calls you at night to tell you she saw a rat crawl across her ceiling ledge of her bedroom. She’s okay with it as long as it “doesn’t eat her food or fall on her mosquito net.” I would like to state that no matter the situation, I am not okay with rats in my room.
21. Functioning windshield wipers on your car during the rainy season? Aw hell no, just use a rag.
22. You apply anti-itch cream as if it were lotion.
23. You start a cold sweat when heaping plates of rice are set in front of you: You must eat it all.
24. Speaking of diarrhea: Your Medical Kit contains 4 different kinds of intestinal distress medication. One that stops functions within the intestines for long bus rides.
25. It’s against Peace Corps Policy to ride in the back of a pickup with the pigs and chickens, but an unregistered, sketchy car with an unknown male driving is completely acceptable. If it looks like a taxi, smells like a taxi what else could it be?
26. A normal plate of food contains the three most important food groups: Rice, potatoes and pasta.

27. You know the 10 gradations of diarrhea, the look and consistency
28. Your family is shocked and borderline offended that you do not care to eat cow lung or chicken feet.
29. You can’t open the fridge after drinking hot tea or walking outside. The cold will stop your heart. Instant death.
30. You find yourself uttering phrases como asi: “I swear I was never this negative in the States. / If he doesn’t knock off 2 soles I’m walking. / Of course you have nothing listed on the menu. What do you serve today? /Is this Chicken or beef? Neither, oh lord what is it?”
31. You’ve stopped fighting and actively tell people: “Yes, I am a doctor from America.”
32. If you have the sensations bugs are crawling all over you-grab the reprellent and brace yourself because they are.
33. You start to panic when the Reggatone, or Peru’s version of Rap, comes on the loud speakers at a party because the thought of freak-dancing with adolescents in front of your Peruvian parents is unbearable.
34. You wake up during the night to the sound of scratching. It could be one of three things: rats, bats or a very, very large cockroach.
35. Waiting 2 hours for a scheduled meeting to begin is no biggie. La hora peruana.
36. You been accused of putting a hex on the family parrot. It died and you were blamed for its death claiming, “you willed it to die.”
37. How many Peruvians can you fit on a combi? Always 5 more!
38. You’re told “Emoism” is the root of all evil and the decay of society. It’s true Peru told me so.
39. If you don’t receive at least 12 cat-calls when you leave the house your whole day is shot.
40. You´ve pooped your pants and joined the 70% club. That´s how many volunteers poop their pants during their service.
¡Pero, así es la vida y cualquier cosa que no te mata, te hace mejor!

Note. I would like to thank my fellow volunteer Alyse with her many contricutions to this blog.