Living the life of luxury

Who says you need to go to that expensive spa to get pampered or to get that facial that will make your skin glow? I say forget them (the spas, the gyms, that expensive coverup or blush at Saks that make you or your husband’s blood run cold when they get the monthly bill). Peru’s got everything you need to look your best and ten years younger!

Worried the men might not like what they see? Have no fear, the men here, both young and old (ages running from 7 to 70) will be whistling and beeping their horns at you no matter what you’re wearing- even if you have a scowl on your face! What could be better?

Who needs to pour over CVS’ “self beauty” aisle looking for the perfect pumice stone to soften those calloused feet; troubled by wearing uncomfortable shoes all day in the relentless cold of the northern hemisphere where the humidity may as well be in the negatives along with the temperature. Here, just pick up any rock (pourous, lava-like ones work the best) and start scrubbing away. It’s cost-efficient AND natural! Your feet will love you.

Dry skin? Does your face look like it hasn’t seen the sun in a millennium? The humidity here is so fierce it will bring out all of those natural oils being harbored in that cold-stricken body and I assure you, your skin will never feel dry, or cracked again! Not to mention that your face will be accompanied by an ever-present glow (some may or may not call it shiny). And a natural, cost-free alternative to blush, is to just stick your head outside of your mosquito net while you sleep. I can ASSURE YOU, mosquitos LOVE that gringo blood and will suck it with all the fervor of a female mosquito looking to lay her eggs. Mosquito bites = INSTANT REDNESS OF THE FACE. Just don’t scratch though!

Bikram yoga is a thing of the present I am aware. Who wouldn’t love doing yoga in a hot, closed-in room neighboring around or above 100 degrees? Ridding bodily toxins is the best. Here in Tumbes, just walk into your bedroom- void of windows, air circulation and put on some of that Enya you all have lurking in your ipod playlist under “sleepy tunes.” You will be sweating in NO TIME. And I don’t mean a little glisten- I mean beads of salty perspiration dripping off the tip of your nose.

I will admit I watched the VH1 specials on celebrity houses back in the day. And what have I noticed they all love? Natural, stone showers. Feeling one with nature makes for having the ultimate shower experience. Psh. Who needs a bathroom remodeling OR an expensive decorator? Just behind the health post, we have the River Tumbes; the large, long, full of mud river that delivers drinking water to all of the houses along it! You can bathe there while really feeling one with nature as men riding horses with machetes in their hands cross the river and wave hello after a long day of work in the chacra. There’s plenty of rocks and mud under your feet which can allow for both a natural bathing eperience AND a mud facial if you so desire. Beware of the little fishies and alligators that may bite though!

Lastly, I know how easy it is to put on weight (I’ve added ten rice pounds here that seem resistant to leave despite how little I eat for lunch). A quick fix? Do your laundry by hand. Your clothes will immediately stretch and appear to hang off your “teeny, well-exercised” body. Nothing will fit! It’s a great substitute for going to the gym. I don’t recommend doing the same for your bathing suits- nothing’s worse than a loose-fitting bathing suit.

To get all of these amenities and more, simply book a ticket to Lima, Peru, hop on a bus headed due north for 21 hours and SHIZZAM! You’re in Tumbes. It’s THAT easy. So come one, come all, I love visitors and I’ve got a yoga mat and sleeping bag with YOUR name on it.

(Disclaimer: the sponsor of this ad is not responsible for any bacterial infections, unrelentless diarrhea or dangue or malaria the visitor might come down with).